or maybe i feel a deep longing that i want to fill so bad it manifests itself into physical sickness. it's like cabin fever only i am not trapped in a cabin or house. i can roam around but i can do nothing else. fuck. now i'm talking in circles. the only times i feel like my old self is when i read a book and shortly after that. or maybe i am finally realizing that the books are really poor substitute to reality. what is up with reality anyways? it is really not all that glamorous and people are not what or who they seem. i can live without them for days at a time but not without my books. they keep me sane. which is more than can be said about life in general. focus too much on one thing, you lose your sanity.
maybe it's the lack of love in my life that's making me what i am right now. i can not even point a finger to anyone. it's just the way it is. maybe i do not have what it takes, the qualifiers so to speak, to be loved like so. or maybe i am just hurrying things up as usual. no, i don't think that's what it is. this "i'm not lovable enough" crap has been my pet peeve ever since i can remember. so where do i go from here? what should i do? i did not want to talk to anybody about it coz i know they can not help me. they're too full of themselves to make my angst matter to them. it's true. though they will listen and say the proper words, they really do not give a damn. and that's the most pathetic thing i have every seen. i have been aware of it since i was young. they will listen not because they care or they love you, but because they know that if they don't make the proper responses, they wil not be "serviced" in return when the time comes. life's a bitch, ergo, they will be the alpha bitches and bastards. am i really that surprised? no. though, to give myself credit, i have some really good friends who listen because they really care what goes on in my life. sadly, they are really few and they don't even have the same lifestyle or schedule as i do. so i don't get to chat with them a lot.
damn, this thing is really taxing. emotionally exhausting. ah. maybe i am just spiritually exhausted? probably. i think i feel the beginings of panic when first thought i was spiritually spent. not a good sign. i don't want to go through counselling. maybe i'm missing God. but i can not miss God; he's always here in my mind and heart so it really doesn't make any sense.
May 2006 Archives
i hate the state i am in right now. i feel so unsettled and it unsettles me to no end.
what do i feel right now you ask? i feel like i woke up in the wrong body. like, this body i inhabit is not really mine and that my soul doesn't fit. which is not right at all. this IS my body and my soul should not even be unsettled because it has no space to occupy.
the bad thing about it is, i really do not know why i am acting this way. one minute i am happy and everything is just peachy, the next everything is shot all the way down to hell. what the fuck is up with that? jesus christ i am so confused i can not think straight. usually, when i feel off-kilter or down i go to the mall spend a small amount of money and then everything goes back to normal. that was then. but now, hell, now is the first time i haven't been able to bounce back to my usual perky self. sure, i can still interact with others like i usually do, i can still fake around and smile like i just won the lottery. but now, i really can not say i mean all of it. i keep on telling people i do not lie. if that is so, then i've just proven myself wrong. i just lied to them by pretending all is quite alright. which it isn't. it sucks. i can not find a reason why i feel this way except that i am finally depressed. as in honest to goodness depressed. crap. that's crap. i don't do depression. maybe i just needed a good long and healthy lachrynal fluid release. as in the works. or do i? or maybe i'm really bored. cripes, if boredom can do this to me, i want to know what depression can do. no wait, scratch that last part. i don't want to know.
