Drained. Why do I feel so drained just because of one measly conversation. Given the fact that it brought up painful truth I thought I'd kept hidden even from myself. Especially from myself. I want ot forget it all, to go back to the way I was before all this shit came haunting me once again. But I can't. I want the pain to end but I don't know how! Or maybe I do but I just don't want to do it; maybe I can't do it.
When all I can do is cry but the tears won't fall, what is there for me to do? I need a hug, badly. But there's no one there to give me one. I'm all alone. In the midst of all these people I fell so alone and lonely. Sad, but true.
The thought of you leaves me weak. Why can't you love me instead? I don't want to lose you. I don't want to leave you. But I don't want to go on like this either coz it's killing me slowly and painfully.
July 2006 Archives
I don't think I can take any more of this! I thought I could make it through this phase without crying. It's just so damn hard to fight all the time. I feel as if I'm swimming in an endless sea with no hope of ever seeing land. That, I've been swimming for a long time that my heart is almost bursting with exhaustion and despair. I'm slowly being engulfed by my own misery, unable to save myself from it all.
*sigh* so fucking tired of all this masquerading shit. Why can't people accept me for who I fucking am? Is that too much to ask for? Am I really the type of person whom they can take advantage of, take offense of at the slightest comment? Jesusfchrist! I'm just ME, Maybelle. Why can you not fucking leave me alone, God Damn it.
I'm sick of this. Next time I hear something like this directed to me, I'll bite him. Try me.
Earlier today, I was having breakfast with a friend (Pau) when my inability to put into words what I want to say was brought home to me in the worst way possible. My failure to communicate what I wanted to say may have cost me a friend. Well, a potential friend at least.
Don't misunderstand me, it was most probably my fault and I take the full blame for it. I was so intent on trying not to make her be offended over what I wanted to say and when I finally said what it was that I needed to say, it still offended her. Maybe it was best left unsaid and that I should not have given her my two cents' worth as I did not really have the flair, much less the talent or skills to make myself heard or at the very least NOT misunderstood. It was just so sad. I did not want to lose the friendship that has blossomed between us, but then again, I didn't think she'd want to have anything to do with me especially with her reaction yesterday and her aversion/resistance to my pathetic efforts to restore the friendship. I sort of knew it was futile but then, I could not bear it.
Everytime I've thought about it, I can't help but think it was really my fault and the mere thought was enough to almost make me cry; to stop the tears from falling. I have never blundered this big ever. Especially not with my friends. It hurts so much. Sure, it was mortifying on my part. But I really didn't really care about that. I was such a waste. sayan.
I'm really sorry, Pauline. It was never my intention to offend you in any way. Thanks for the good times and the friendship.
I'm too sleepy to write something coherent much less challenging. So, I'll just post a question:
If you don't feel love of friendship, would you -or could you, feel lonely?
Do let me know, will ya?
*Dreamy sigh* I've watched Superman twice now and I must admit, I really enjoyed watching it. First because it was too popular for me; that my mind just automatically cringed at the thought of watching it. Good thing I took my own advice and followed my instinct. It was... is... WOW!
The story itself is quite catching. I thought then that Superman's storyline'd be god-awful because of all the advertisements about it; that it'd be cliché. It isn't. Heck, I didn't even like Superman.
***Spoiler Alert***
Personally, I like Batman better. Superman's just too... perfect. In this movie, though, he is shown in a different light. That not everything is a-ok in his life. He was shown in such a way that you can't help but FEEL for this guy. Oh, and I hate Lois Lane now. Lolz why can she not wait for him? If you know you love this person -and you have a child to prove it to boot! Would you not wait and ask for explanation? Or maybe it's just the romantic girl in me that's talking. Still, I can't help but want to up and hug him till the big bad monster is gone. Althoguh, his features a sooo clean cut I really had to think, "Is he really a real, live person?" He's like a very good CGI. Oh yeah, the humor's really good. Especially the "It's a bird, it's a plane" thingy. Oh, and also with the "...statistically speaking, flying is still the safest way to travel" bit.
Current Mood: Awestruck, Starstruck, Blah.
